May 29, 2020

Despair and Other Emotions

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Emotional Roller Coasters.

 Oh yes, it's not easy to admit, but at times I was desperate.

Here are just some examples, how visual impairment affected my mood...


Every here and then I had my "lows". Be it because I was not able to put on eye make-up for when I was invited to a function. Not being able to put a nail to hang a picture, or not being able to cut along a drawn line. I am more and more bad-tempered, edgy, and impatient.

Burst into tears and anger

These not so nice qualities paired with a feeling of incapability lead to "explosion" many times. 
 So, for example, Xmas eve at friends two years ago. I was not familiar with the apartment house and not aware of the tricky layout of the floors. When my mother and I left, we took the lift. Our taxi was waiting outside. I pressed the button which I assumed would be for the ground floor (actually, I did not see the buttons well). When the lift door opened, we found ourselves in a basement level leading to the other side of the block. And the taxi driver, who called in the meantime, did not believe that we got "lost in the staircase". 
OK, back into the lift and up again. At the next stop, I opened the door and tried to see, where we ended up. It wasn't the correct floor either. But unfortunately, my mother had closed the lift door and continued travelling further up. 
Now what? Where was I, where was she? Out taxi was long gone It was some kind of an odyssey to find ourselves and friends' apartment again.
But when we got back in, I just burst into a flood of tears. Even though my friends tried to calm me down and explained, that the layout of the house is very tricky, I just felt that I was worth nothing, not able to use a lift, not able to get my mother the right place, not being able to do anything right…. 
And I blamed everyone around, that they have no idea how I feel and what it is to lose your vision. – Well. I did not use the nicest words, but unfortunately they really do not know what it is like ...
Unfortunately, this happens to me quite often and I haven't learned yet how to control that emotion.

Better cancer than blind

I even uttered things like "I'd rather have cancer and know I'd only a few months to live, than not being able to see".
This for sure is one of my most stupid thoughts, and I hope I will not come up with more like that …

Fears and worries

"Legally blind" does not mean, I am totally bind. But I am and feel restricted in what I can do. Therefore there are quite some fears and worries concerning different aspects. 
On is, that I'm afraid I cannot help my mother if she needs help quickly to but a bad-aid at the correct spot or remove a sting from her finger or the like. Just to imagine some "normal" situations …
The other is, that I don't know how to make my living until (and after) retirement age. Besides that, I would not know what to do with all the "spare time" I will have when I'm not working …

Living in a "cloud"

And there is another weird aspect of mental state. I mostly feel like in a bubble or in a "gray cloud".
Since focusing at something is impossible and I would always have to "look around the corner", I usually keep my eyes rather relaxed when walking or sitting somewhere. I have the feeling, that this puts me in a kind of "standby" or "sleep" mode, meaning that I do lose interest in things around me, because I'm not "focused".


About this text

Jutta's Story texts were originally written in 2016-2017.
end of 2018 I am officially legally blind..
And I am proud to be a member of the Malta Society of the Blind.